I know I shouldn’t say this. I know it shouldn’t matter. I know some days I don’t beleive this, but some days I really do. But, if I’m honest, I have to admit: there are days when I don’t think he’ll ever marry me.
This doesn’t matter right now. I’m not even ready to get married. But, I know that eventually, I would want to be married to him. I think about this. A lot. I try not to mention it to him very often because I don’t want to be the girl that talks about marriage incessantly. I know there are a lot of things we need to establish in our lives before I should expect a ring. Him getting into med school, for example. I know that’s at the forefront of his priority list right now.
And, that’s fine. It really is. I support him in any way. But, I have to say, it hurts my feelings because I don’t think he thinks about it. I don’t think he plans. I don’t think it’s even on the priority list. I know there isn’t a secret “ring fund” that he sneaks a few dollars into every week. And it hurts my feelings.
I would feel more insane if we’d only been together for a couple months and the thought that an engagement didn’t cross his mind made me upset. Those are the people who are maybe a little too desperate to get married. But, we’re working on four years. I’m only 23, but I feel stupid when we’re at a Christmas party for his company and people look at us incredulously: “You’ve been together for almost four years? Wow. You’re not engaged?” No. “Do you plan on getting married?” Who knows. And I don’t get the feeling that he’s any closer to even planning on planning to propose to me. Let it be known: I don’t need that ring now, or next month, or six months from now, or even a year from now.
But, I would like to know that it’s a part of his plan. I would like to know that it factors in to his life.
I know I’m being silly. Because I feel silly putting this in to writing. I feel silly hiding tears here at my desk as I think about this. But, am I silly, really?
